Life

She was afraid- bewildered may be- but then again she thought she couldn’t do that to him. Rain was pouring down- light was fading quickly. She had to make a decision right there right then. May be she was confused- may be it was fate- may be it was not up to her to make that choice- may be she was doing the right thing- may be not. She was agitated- it was not her decision which had leaded them here- it was not even in her mind. How did they ever come to this point? She never got to know, but something told her that fate had written it for them this way.

Their journey had started with the dawn of the day- yet it seemed such a long time that she could hardly remember the time when they were not together- or may be they were never apart. They were always together- oblivious to each other’s existence. He had been her cohort- her protagonist- her mentor and what not. She knew that the feeling was mutual on both sides- that he felt the same way about her. Now was not the time to dwell in the past- now was the time to act; and act fast as well. Yet, she looked back at her past…

The sun was rising in the east- crimson skies were turning into blue ones- she had come from far above them- he knew that; that’s why he had taken so much care of her. Everyone had deserted him- left him in isolation when he was going through troubles- when he was finding it hard to gather his shattered and battered mind- when things were getting tougher and tougher. She was always there for him- though he never realized that- nor did she even try to make him realize that.

They had gone through the valleys of darkness- they had even reached the top of mountains together- they had lost everyone around them- but they had each other; still oblivious to each other’s existence. May be that’s what kept them together. Though, they had seen the top of mountains- she knew that- he had to face more obstacles- more hurdles- more dark valleys in his way than any other person. However, she was sure that- one day she’ll make him understand what he meant to her- and she could bet that he would understand.

The night was falling in hastily- she had to hurry up. The shadows were beginning to lengthen- She started to think… Why? Why now? What has changed now? Doesn’t he know I am still there for him? Doesn’t he know that I will stay with him until he doesn’t want to stay with me? How could I let him know that? Why has he done so? Why has he left me alone? Why has he made this decision to end me without even asking me- without even knowing what I might have in store for him? Why? She did not have any answers…

He had sent her away- far far away from himself. Now she had to make the choice of going back to him or not. She was confused. He did not want her- He did not. The words echoed in her mind. Yet she went back. Gave him hope- gave him one last chance. Night hadn’t arrived; yet another sun arose.

She was life after all…

Another Night, another Nightmare...

Depression- Solitude- loneliness- freedom- denial- memories- life-

As he sat there alone in his room- the light emanating from lamp shades had an ironical these-are-shades-of-your-life smile. He had spent last few months trying to overcome this nightmare which had suddenly rose out of the debris of life he had once lived. The dark circle surrounding the light of the lamp was closing in on him- as if it was going to darken everything including him. People say music soothes one’s mind- but for him it was having a totally contradictory, yet pervasive effect. For him, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan’s Dharak Dharak was just pushing him even more quickly towards the abyss of self denial.

He sat there staring at the glowing rod of electric heater that had been warming his room for quite a while now- Yet he felt so cold- so frosty- so glacial that he could hardly gather the strength to pick up the blanket which was lying just three feet away from him- as if frostbite had seen another of its victim; but it wasn’t cold after all. A friend walked into his room- its result- well! A sudden artificial smile appeared on his face as he quickly pretended to be busy typing something on his PC. But he wasn’t good at acting too- he told himself. Just another lie was thrown to his friend to satisfy his queries and halt any further questions. Soon the friend left- He was alone again.

Music continued. Now “The Cranberries” were singing Stars- He looked at the ceiling- hoping- merely hoping that he would find them there- How stupid of him indeed! Somehow they reminded him of the childhood stories of stars and how dead become a star in the sky. He wished he could go back in time to his childhood- or he could become a star in the sky as well- but wishes are not always fulfilled- he knew that. The monster-faced ashtray was staring at him- not the other way round- as if asking him… Wanna smoke? He lit a cigarette right then- not knowing that ashtray was already filled and had no space for anymore ash- but he went on having drags until his lungs started choking. The ash sticking to the cigarette was just like his life- a single movement could separate it from its body itself- a soul it represents- he murmured.

He was freezing to death in the absolutely normal temperature of the room. Death- not the answer, Life- not the question; he was restless and he did not know the answers or even the questions for that matter. He could not give up now- now that he had weathered the turbulent part of yet another taxing night in his life. He closed his eyes- music continued- spread his arms- his body shaped like a cross- smoke came out of his mouth- smoke of cigarette- smoke of the soul. Relaxation at last… Sleep… Dreams, not nightmares followed… Life moved on…

At least for that night…

Questions

An e-mail...

Sender: Anonymous

Recipient: Anonymous

... so here u are... breaking up with me when i was trying to be honest with u and when i was trying to correct myself... u broke up... u broke up... right u did... am i right? I just want to find the answer to it... I can't get u outta my head no matter how hard i try... I have even stopped talking to u and contacting u but u just keep on coming into my head... like a shattered dream that keeps on haunting my subconscious... I dun wanna do that... I dun... but it happens... i dunno why... I have tried but not been successful... something was missing in me... i cud not make myself to forget u... i just cud not... i know it sounds stupid but thats wat i am... I know u r the one or shud i say u were the one... I just can't forget u... Never... For i can't even try to... I want to ask y... y... if u cud not go on this path with me... y did u chose to accompany me on this road in the first place... I wanna ask u... I have loads of question running through the narrow tunnels of my mind and can't make their way out... may be they never can because u r never willing to provide them with answers...