Going through old times and remembering good old memories is quite interesting and at times quite painful as well. Well, I have had the pleasure and the trouble of going through the memory lane tonight. People have been always around me; as a matter of fact they have been around for everyone. I was just wondering why the heck do I have so many expectations from people. And then I realised that I had stopped doing so. I don't know why. But I guess, as it turns out to be, its good. I have stopped caring for people, I have lost what had hurt me most yet it had given me the most treasurous moments of my life.
I want to save them and lock them somewhere safe. And for all my effort I can't find a place where I can keep them. Tired and unprepared, I give up. But what is the point of giving up everything when everything wants you to be there. I sometimes wonder why I was born in the family I am in right now. I sometimes wonder why people have good relationships. I sometimes wonder why life is so easy for some people. Are they better than me, do they deserve more? I don't know. I am just so lost at the moment.
I am the last thing I want to know about. Yet I keep on getting to know more. Ironical, Isn't it? I don't know. And I don't care. I am filled with random thoughts that keep popping up here and there when I sit alone and start to think. But then my mind is continuosly thinking anyways, then why does it have to be random at certain points of time. I am rendered helpless by all this. I have lost most of the things which I hated most about myself, yet when I try to visualise what I have become, I hate it more. Think. Hate. I. Think. Hate. I. Think. Hate. I. Think. Hate. World. Think. Hate. I.
What the heck. I should be giving up all the treasures that God has bestowed upon me for I have been unthankful and ungrateful all along. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve that. I want this, I want that. I am this tiny creature in such gargantuan universe that I would no longer exist if it wasn't for God's mercy.
But then how do I thank Him? By being dumb, by being numb. By being the most uncaring creature around. Am I a devil? Has evil conquered my soul? I dare to explore the boundaries of the human mind that are left unexplored for the sole reason of heresy. Have I become a heretic? I don't know.
I don't know anything. I am worthless. And I have lost the people that were most important to me in my life. Well a number of them to be honest. I don't wanna lose another one or else I would be more dumb and numb for the rest of my life and would venture into more heretic worlds. A friend is all that I want from you. A sincere friend who can bear my two faced personality. A friend that could save me from the evil that I have inside me. A friend who could turn me into something real rather than the mirage that I have become.
Don't deny me that. Please don't.
